Friendship as a Means of Grace: How God Forms Us Through One Another

You may have heard the term means of grace in a sermon or Grow Class. But what does it actually mean?

When we speak of the means of grace, we’re referring to the instruments God has ordained by which He conveys His grace to His people. These are not mechanical rituals, but living channels through which God saves, sanctifies, sustains, and strengthens His people throughout the Christian life.

Ordinarily, we think of Scripture, prayer, baptism, the Lord’s Supper, and the gathered church as the primary means of grace—and rightly so. But God also ministers grace through the community of faith, including through the gift of friendship. In God’s grand design, friendship is a powerful instrument of spiritual formation. Through faithful friends, God shapes our character, strengthens our faith, and draws us closer to Christ. Here are four passages that demonstrate this reality:

1. Hebrews 3:13 exhorts us to “exhort one another every day… that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” God uses the words of a faithful friend to keep us soft-hearted and spiritually awake.

2. James 5:16 tells us to “confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Vulnerability and intercession in trusted friendships are certainly instruments of God’s grace and sanctification. Confession breeds accountability and intercession kindles the flame of love in your heart for others.

3. Proverbs 27:17 says: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” This verse highlights how sharpening occurs through friction. Friction shapes us. Godly Friends keep you in check, and will not let you go through life on cruise control. They are willing to lovingly confront, challenge, and even rebuke you. This process shapes the soul.

4. 1 Thessalonians 4:18 teaches us to “comfort one another with these words.” What words was Paul talking about? In the context, he was reminding believers that they do not grieve for those who have died as those who have no hope. He then reminded the church at Thessalonica of the promised resurrection, the second coming of Christ, and the believer’s eternal union with Christ. As believers, we comfort one another with the words of the gospel in order to rouse one another to faith and to good works.

Spiritual formation is not just about doing spiritual things—it’s about becoming more like Christ. And that transformation happens most fruitfully in relationships. We grow best not in isolation, but in community. In friendship, our blind spots are exposed, our rough edges refined, and our joys multiplied.

One of the beautiful truths of the gospel is that we are not saved alone—we are saved into a body. Church life is an organic opportunity for deep spiritual friendships to take root and bear fruit. So how can we cultivate these kinds of friendships?

Have Christ-Centered Conversations

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly… teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom.” — Col. 3:16

In every opportunity that you have, be intentional about having godly conversations. Talk of sports, news, and family vacations certainly have their place amongst friends, but the most meaningful and impactful conversations occur when they are Christ-centered.

Encourage One Another

“Exhort one another every day… that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” — Heb. 3:13

Look for opportunities in these groups to be a source of encouragement. Be a good listener, and not one who is always thinking about what they want to say next. Lovingly confront sin when needed and speak gospel hope into one another’s discouragements.

Be Present In Times of Suffering and Celebration

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” — Rom. 12:15

When I began my first pastorate, one of my greatest fears was coming into a home after a death. What words should you say to console someone in that situation? Words of Scripture certainly have their place, but I learned early on that what means as much as anything is your presence. Your presence in another person’s life can be a tangible reminder of Christ’s presence.

Do Life Together

“Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works… encouraging one another.” — Heb. 10:24–25

Church programs - CCG groups, D-Groups, Men’s/Women’s ministry, etc.- provide a context for friendships to form, but deeper friendship grows through shared life.  Don’t let group gatherings be the only time that you meet together. Set up time for coffee, dinner, walks, or a back-yard barbeque together. Friendships are like plants that need to be well watered. This requires two things - presence and intentionality.

We’ll address cultivating deeper friendships in this week’s sermon and consider more areas of application. But for now, would you join me in praying that God would deepen our friendships at church—not just for our comfort, but for our Christlikeness? May we be a people who not only attend services but walk together in grace-filled friendship—sharpening one another, bearing burdens, and pressing on to know Christ.